ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Once upon a time, Totally

Updated on April 5, 2012

Hell yeah.


Once upon a time there was a fucking, like a, kingdom I guess and it was all magical and shit. It had dragons and all that bullshit. God damnit man, it was a fucking trip.


There was this king and he had a son. His son was a total badass. One day the King was all, “Shit! There’s a dragon and he’s fucking up all our shit! Get the prince.”


Oh yeah, the prince was also a knight. He had this sword that was all, ‘Whoa’ and like, ‘God damn!’


The prince was dicking around with his horse. “Oh, man. This horse is the shit!” He combed his horse for like ten minutes.


“Hey, asshole.” The King’s messenger said. “The King wants you.”


“I’m fucking busy.” The prince exclaimed, totally thinking about banging his horse.


“You better go.” The messenger said.


The prince lunged at the messenger and like totally fucking killed him. Looking down at the bloody corpse he was like, “…Fine. I will.”


When the prince got there he was like, “What the shit? I was …” He turned towards the audience with a sly look, “Horsing around.”


Everybody lost their shit. Oh man they were laughing like crazy. “Oh shit son!” exclaimed the royal chancellor.


“Shut the fuck up!” The king boomed with authority. The audience immediately got their shit together.


“All right son, listen.” The king said. “There’s a god damn dragon out there and he’s fucking up all of our shit.”


“Oh my god!” The prince screamed. “No way!”


“Yeah, it’s pretty bad.”


“I’ll go chop its motherfucking head off!” The prince yelled.


“Hell the fuck yeah!” The King screamed as loud as he could, as he head-butted the wall.


The crowd went ape-shit! “Oh, man shit’s going down!” The royal chancellor shouted.


--


So the prince went off. After awhile he ran into this guy. This guy was like, “Hey aren’t you the prince?”


The prince was like, “You bet your ass!”


“Oh shit that’s crazy!” The dude yelled. “I’m going off to kill that dragon that’s been fucking up all the kingdoms shit!”


“Oh, man that’s perfect.” The prince shouted. “Come with me and together we can totally beat the shit out of it!”


The guy punched a passing farmer right in the stomach and then cut off his own ear. “I’m fucking psyched as hell!”


“Let’s go get drunk!”


--


Later on, like a couple days later or something, the two guys were drunk as hell, naked and sitting on a dead grizzly bear.


“That was crazy!” The guy who wasn’t the prince said.


“Oh yeah what’s your name?” The prince asked.


“Steve!”


Anyway they kept travelling along for awhile. It was totally extreme.


“Holy fuck, that’s a wizard!” Steve yelled pointing to a wizard.


“Hey, I’m a wizard.” The wizard said.


“Oh, shit, I think this guy’s a wizard.” The prince said.


“I am a wizard.”


“Kill the wizard!” Steve yelled.


The wizard turned Steve into a frog and then turned him back.


“Oh shit…” The prince said. “Dude, this guy’s a wizard.”


“Yeah, I’m a wizard.”


Steve was totally freaked out from being a frog briefly.


“I’ll pay you like twenty million gold…dollars… or whatever, if you come and help kill the dragon.” The prince said.


The wizard nodded. “Yeah, ok.”


“Holy shit, man.” Steve said, suddenly backing up a little. “I Think this guys a wizard!”


“Where!?” The prince exclaimed drawing his sword.


--


Oh, man there was like this elf standing in the road. He was like covered in a totally gay dress type cloak thing and he was all shiny and shit. His ears were pointy as hell.


“Yo, check out that fucking Elf.” The Wizard said. “Look at his gay ass dress.”


“Dude, you’re wearing a dress too.” Steve said.


“These are Wizards robes, dickface.” The Wizard said.


“More like fag’s robes.” The prince said.


The royal chancellor happened to be walking by and he was like, “Oh shit!”


The prince and Steve had a total bonding moment and slapped each other a super righteous high-five.


“We’re best friends now!” The Prince exclaimed. Then he chugged a whole bottle of tequila and smashed the empty glass on his head.


“FUUUUUUUCCCCKKK YEEEEEEAAHHHHH!!!” Steve yelled.


“Hey you guys wanna do some cocaine?” The elf asked, butting in.


The prince stepped boldly forward, drawing his mighty blade and raising it to the sky. His eyes blazed with royal fervor and he proclaimed, “…Yes.”


--


The Elf did a line of elf-cocaine and threw his head back. “God damn!” he yelled.


“Wooooooahhhhhh.” The Prince said. The room was like totally fucking spinning.


“He’s fucking zooted dude!” Steve yelled.


“LET’S GO KILL THAT FUCKING DRAGON!” The Prince shouted.


“WOAH!” The Wizard yelled, injecting amphetamines into his eyeball and shooting a gun into a passing horse.


“WOAH!” Steve yelled.


“WOAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” Everyone yelled.


--


So off they went to find the dragon. Some crazy shit happened on the way. Oh, man it was so crazy. You wouldn’t believe this shit. Oh man. Damn it was so nuts.


“Holy shit, there’s the dragon!” Steve yelled.


The Wizard was gnashing his teeth and licking his lips like crazy, because he was totally tweaking. He fired a green ball of energy at the dragon but it missed and totally fucking killed a family of five.


“Shit yeah!” The prince yelled.


“Charge!” The elf yelled.


The four heroes ran with absolute abandon towards the scaly beast. The wizard shot another energy blast and actually hit the dragon, who turned around and looked at the charging maniacs.


“What the hell?” The dragon said.


“Shazam!” The prince yelled swiping with his sword, tripping and falling over with a deafening clang.


Steve tried shooting the dragon in the heart with his bow, but he didn’t really know how to use a bow and he accidently impregnated a sheep.


The dragon bent down and examined the mess. The elf had long since fallen asleep.


“You guys are wasted.” The dragon said.


“Fuck you!” The prince slurred and started laughing which quickly turned into a crying jag before he composed himself and stood up.


“What do you dicks want?” The dragon boomed.


“Justice!” The prince yelled. He tried to stab the dragon but his sword just snapped in half on the dragon’s armored wing.


The dragon sighed and quickly bit the prince in half killing him instantly.


“Holy shit!” Steve exclaimed.


“Any of you other dickbags want some?” The dragon bellowed angrily.


“No, we’re cool.” The wizard said, backing away. “I’m a wizard.”


Steve also started walking away. “I’m gonna be a father to some sheep kids. I can’t be messing around.”


The elf was still asleep.


“Fuck off then.” The dragon yelled.


They fucked off.


Thus ends our glorious tale.


THE END


working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)